Bad Apples? Make Butter

I recently bought a 2 lb. bag of granny smith apples from Trader Joe's for $2.99. This seemed like a steal, until I got them home and realized they were riddled with bruises. Rather than toss the bad seeds, my mission became clear—I had to get my booty into baking gear.

Now, maybe it's just me, but I feel like apple pie is the baking equivalent of a technical writing manual: boring, stagnant, and dry as a well-done burger. There's nothing alive about an apple pie. It's pretty difficult to mess one up, and while you can pony around with a lattice or some cheddar cheese, the formula is pretty set. Don't get me wrong, they're a damn tasty American past-time. But they leave very little room for experimentation.*

I considered crisps, crumbles, and a tarte tatin, but those things are just apple pie that's thrown on a suit jacket to go out for an evening on the town. A pie sprinkled with oatmeal or tossed upside down is still a pie, guys. So what to do? How obvious. Apple butter.

But because I can never just keep my creativity in check for two seconds to test out classic recipes, I had to substitute balsamic vinegar and bourbon for the apple cider most recipes called for. Why use apple cider in something that's already going to taste like apples? That's just asking to be tweaked. And tweak, I did, with surprisingly professional-looking results, and a house that will smell like cinnamon apples and booze for days. That's a recipe for holiday cheer if I ever smelled one.

Balsamic Bourbon Apple Butter

Ingredients
Roughly 2 lbs. small granny smith apples
1/2 cup boiling water
Some generous splashes of balsamic and bourbon
A couple tablespoons of brown sugar, if you like
Pumpkin pie spice
Ginger
Cinnamon
Allspice

Start by chopping up your apples into small cubes, maybe 1/2 inch in size. Leave the skin and as much of the core as you can while still discarding seeds and stems--the pectin is stored in the skin and the core, and that's crucial for keeping this from turning to liquidy mush. Put the cubes in a pot of water—mine was already boiling from tea I had just made, but you can just heat it all up together, too, I assume. Splash some bourbon and balsamic on top, but not enough to submerge the apples entirely in liquid. Once it's all boiling together, lower the heat a smidge but maintain a low boil for about 20 minutes, until there are no apple chunks that you can't crush with a fork and the liquid is almost entirely dissolved.

Add the spices, some sugar if you think it needs it (do a taste test first), and a little more of the booze and vinegar if you like. Once it's thickened up and there's no liquid left, remove from the heat and cool for a few minutes before putting in a blender. At this stage, you're welcome to stop and leave it. The chunks are just apple skins, which impart a strange texture by themselves but are totally fine to leave. If you want it smoother, just puree in the blender until silky. It's pretty stellar warm, if you want to go ahead and use some right away for toast or oats. Otherwise, store in the fridge or freezer. I've heard this stuff adds a really interesting flavor and texture to vegan baked goods, and web rumors have also come by way about plopping a few spoonfuls into the filling of pumpkin (or even apple) pie. Experiment away!

*I have, since writing this, dreamt up a million new tricks to try with apple pie, maybe to prove to myself that no food is boring if you've got the moxy to change it. From bacon lattices to curry powder to whatever the heck that kid in the American Pie movies did, I realize now how close-minded of me it is to think apple pie leaves no room for exploration.

Black is the New Garlic

I recently told someone that vegan pizza is my boyfriend. In keeping with the metaphor, my boo and I have been going steady for some months now, and things are going really well. I think about him even when he's not around, we get together pretty much every weekend, we even meet for a secret late-night rendezvous from time to time, after my Italian class--Whole Foods Arroyo doesn't close til 10pm, don'tcha know.

Yup, vegan pizza and I have been pretty happy together lately. But if VP is my BF, then black garlic is my not-so-secret crush. He's the boy that shows up unexpectedly and leaves me speechless, curious, intrigued. He's held my attention for months, though we've never even met properly. At least we hadn't met. Not until today.

Before you assume I've betrayed my significant other, let me assure you that I'm not trying to make black garlic my lover, or even my emotionally-inappropriate "best friend." This isn't Twilight, ladies and gents, and no amount of watching New Moon would make me want to split my love down the middle.


But I don't have to! The most beautiful thing happened today. Whole Foods decided that, in honor of Black Friday or hangovers or Pilgrims, they wanted to make ALL pizzas 50% off this weekend. Including vegan. Including the mysterious, ephemeral, fairytale topping choice, black garlic. I've tracked this stuff across L.A. and had no idea it was lurking in my own backyard at the Glendale WF all along. So I placed an order at 10am this morning to be picked up after work tonight, and watched the minutes tick painfully by while I awaited this glorious union.

All-told, I walked out of the store holding a seemingly-flimsy unimpressive disc of tomato sauce, wheat crust, Daiya cheddar-mozz blend, and black garlic pieces. Plus an avocado, for textural enhancement, and leftover chipotle tempeh pilfered from my work, for protein.

Back home, it only took a brief stint in the toaster oven before my slices were done. The pizza was ready, though I don't think I was. I sunk my teeth into the first gooey bite and immediately cozied up in the familiar arms of my beloved Daiya/crust combo. Next I tasted how the tempeh jived with the cheese, and tried an avocado bite, too. I was clearly avoiding those intimidating night-hued dots on my pie. We were doing that awkward dance that I'm sure happens during any threesome, where everyone does what they're comfortable with and anxiously avoids the point of no return.

But we went for it--all three of us. Creaminess coiled itself around musky, woodsy bite and the comfy, silky textures in my mouth flirted with the utterly bizarre tastes. It was an odd combo, but certainly a classic case of opposites attract. I think that's why we work.

I have visions of the three of us meeting after Italian class, the whole crew getting together to watch bootleg copies of New Moon on NinjaVideo. As with any new relationship, we're going to take it slow. But look at how tasty these photos are. I bet they'd make pretty impressive Save The Dates...

Vegan Sweet Potato Biscuits with Rosemary & Pumpkin Pie Spice

As a Chicago native, I'm going to incur a lot of flack for saying this...but it's been freezing here lately. And by here, yes, I do mean Los Angeles.

My body's natural reaction to cold weather is to, of course, eat everything in sight in an effort to pack some meat onto this frame. I switch from my summer staple of tofu and mixed green salads to roasted root vegetables, pan-fried kale chips, and all those Morning Star goodies designed to make us think we're eating meat. I mean, seriously--what self-respecting vegan actually misses buffalo wings? I'm pretty sure I don't eat buffalo wings even when I'm going through an omnivorous phase, so why do I adore the fake kind? But when the temperatures drop, I swear I could scarf fake "chicken" strips and vegan corn dogs til the grateful, un-slaughtered cows come home.

But you know what I really miss in those winter months when I'm actin' a fool and foregoing butter? Popeyes biscuits. Nothing pads my seasonal hibernation layer of body fat faster and more deliciously than these butter-soaked patties of joy. Have you seen these things? They are almost radio-actively yellow, and I'm not 100% convinced they're even legally a food product. But toss me a honey packet through that drive-up window and I could honestly care less. I've spent some outright blissful moments in the front seat of my car plowing my way through a paper bag of these.

But I digress. The seasonal impetus I'm describing lead me out of the car this time and into the kitchen. Well, first it lead me to Google. "Vegan biscuits." A lot of people were putting margarine in them (gross), but I had no Earth Balance on hand, only olive oil. One recipe called for vegetable oil, but it also had potatoes. Strange. Intriguing. I had some sweet potatoes in my cabinet I had bought to make french fries, but that plan was quickly tossed for the sake of experimentation.

Fast forward a short and simple 30 minutes later, and you get this:

The spices were a last minute decision, I'll definitely cut back on the salt next time, and I think I'll make an apple-honey-butter "gravy" to accompany them next time I buy Earth Balance, but these were pretty close to perfect just spread with some fig jam [pictured] or honey. Did I mention they are way too easy to make? The following recipe is so simple, it makes the Popeyes 2 miles from my house seem like a friggin' chore.

Vegan Sweet Potato Biscuits with Rosemary & Pumpkin Pie Spice

1 cup flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup mashed cooked sweet potato
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 to 1 tsp of salt, to taste
A liberal dashing of pumpkin pie spice and just a few sprinkles of rosemary [or thyme would also go excellently here]

Mash it all together, form little discs, place on cookie sheet, and bake at 375 for 15-20 minutes.

Seriously. That's all that stands between you and 5-10 extra pounds of junk in your trunk this holiday season.